Posted 8:42 AM by who's that girl
I would give anything to have a computer with sound again...

Posted 6:54 PM by who's that girl
Rednex: Cotton Eye Joe
Rating:Dog Shit

The unholy marriage of techno and white trash

Did anyone else have this phenomena in their home town? When I was about ten and living in Beaver Falls this restaurant called Boots' Roadhouse opened up down in Bridgewater. Whenever this particular song would come on, the waiters and waitresses would drop everything they were doing and line dance in the aisles until this song was over.

Watching this video, I immediately regressed back to ten years old, and began stomping around and slapping my knee much like those waiters and waitresses did back then. I couldn't stop myself. I am certain that there is some sort of strange subliminal message talking to me in that song saying "you don't need to shower everyday... who needs a hairbrush..."

And then I realised those are actually things I do say.

The point is, the song is really hideous. Then of course, hindsight is 20/20. The video is interesting but not really bad enough to achieve Timmy T-like status. The dudes in the band look kinda like weird cattle-ropin' zombies, but the chick is kinda hot. Just something about all that hay makes me uneasy.

This review made no sense. But then, neither does the song.

Posted 6:10 PM by Cat Named Eggroll
The Village People: In the Navy
Rating: Dog Shit

Just when you thought the U.S. Navy couldn't get any gayer...

Okay, so this video sucks, but by rights it doesn't actually suck bad enough to warrant a hideo entry... but here's the thing... it's really goddamn funny. From the begining frames, it's all queens on deck, random fuck dancing... even a riverdance homage by the indian... I mean, c'mon... its the Village People... and just as you'd expect them, too... hopelessly flaming, in a song that I'm sure they wrote for the sole purpose of singing the word "seaman".

Posted 5:49 PM by Cat Named Eggroll
Morton Downey Jr.: Hey Mr. Dealer
Rating: Dino Dung

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to present the Christian Coalition, proudly led by... Morton Downey Jr.???

This is the most beautiful piece of shit video I have ever seen. I swear, I haven't laughed so freaking hard in a looonnng loonnngg time. It's a chain-smoking, potty-mouth attack on drug dealers, most of which are represented by minorities in this vid (ethnocentric, much?) Classic lyrics include "you slime-sucking drug pushing sonofa bitch, I hope that you die slow" and "we won't rest till your ass is on death row." (this from a ciggarette waving, smoke blowing, angry yelling man who would later expire of lung cancer... hmmmm... as Amanda put it, apparently corporate drug dealers are okay...) But seriously, WATCH THIS VIDEO... it's the biggest pile of wrongness ever! Why is that one dealer wearing a newsie hat? What does the mouth on the guitar have to do with anything? Is all the profanity really necessary? And my biggest question... Why, dear god... Why?!?!?!?

Posted 12:50 PM by Cat Named Eggroll
oh, and by the way... I know nobody updates this enough, so if you think we're funny, but not funny enough to make it worth it to keep checking for more entries, I added a subscription thingy, so you can get emailed when we update. But don't worry, you'll never get more than one email per day, even if *ghasp* we update more often than that. And since no one updates, I am open to having more people on here, so if you like to talk a lot of shit, have your people call my people (my emails in the contact section) and we'll do lunch.

Posted 12:47 PM by Cat Named Eggroll
Kylie Minogue: Can't Get You Out of My Head
Rating:Corn Shit

Okay, so I'll preface this with an admission. I'm not proud of this fact, but I actually like this song. Fortunately, here we discuss videos, not songs, so it's still fodder for my amusement.

That said, when exactly did crappy futuristic cheese come back in style? Last I heard, that trend had remained in the 80's where it belongs. It starts out with that wierd highway thing. Why? Why not a normal freeway? How about the 5 fwy in Southern CA... it's 7 lanes in either direction, wouldn't that be surreal enough? And then there's that ugly yellow car. Let me announce right now that yellow is not a color that should be used on something as large as a car. It's better for accents. I mean, what, are we going for the son-of-a-schoolbus type look? Cause really, Yikes! Then comes the rehashed robot dance in the first dance part. And ugly outfits in white leather. Do I even have to explain why white leather is wrong? I hope not. Then comes the sequence with the white "I wish I were Jennifer Lopez's green dress thingy" outfit. Maybe the seamstress just forgot a few major seams on this outfit? Was it really hot when they filmed this and they figured her outfit should be air conditioned? And why have pants at all if they're just going to flap around? Oh, and really people, what's with the read hats? If I ever wear anything on my head that even VAGUELY resembles PVC piping, please, shot me quickly and just get it the hell over with. Talk about tunnel vision. Then the scene changes again, thank god, no more scary red things, just Kylie in a disco-ball dress and a lot of slo-mo shots. Yeah, I get it... her dress is supposed to look like the lights going on and off in the skyscrapers behind her. How cute, she matches the city. Nevermind that the dress is hideous and I keep waiting for her mass of curly hair to get caught up on whatever the hell they put on it to make it look reflective. Long story short (too late): Yikes.

Posted 5:49 PM by who's that girl
HIDEO MUST NOT DIE!!!! SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!!!!!!

Posted 10:10 AM by who's that girl

Paula Abdul: Cold-Hearted
Rating: Dog Shit

I must admit that Ms. Abdul's (or, as I like to refer to her, Paula) album Forever Your Girl was one of the first albums I ever owned. I remember dancing around madly in my room to songs from that album and also from New Kids on the Block's Hangin' Tough. LAUNCH says this video is from 1988. I was four years old. The exact age you need to be to really grasp the complexity of Paula's block-rockin' beats.

So we start off with four "record executives" marching up some stairs to see Paula do her new song or something. I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention, 'cause one of the "record executives" looked like he was in that group Rockapella that used to sing the theme song for "Where in the World in Carmen Sandiego?". A little distracting. I used to love that show. *sigh*

Anyway, so these execs march upstairs and they're saying "this better be good". They sit down, and cue music and Paula and her mesh dress and fabulous dancers. So basically they ponce about for a long while. This is alarming because they are playing about on scaffolding. Now, I think that's just plain irresponsible. What if some impressionable four-year-old (like me, except stupid) saw this video and thought that it was cool to go out and pretend to hump someone on some old scaffolding??? It's a good thing Paula didn't find herself in a lawsuit here.

There are other things wrong with this video, but in the age of Timmy T these are but small quarrels. For example, Paula actually has the audacity to rap in the middle of this song. Missy Elliot she ain't. Another fundamentally distressing tidbit is the inclusion of a string quartet. I really think playing for Paula "Damnit, Jim, I'm A Choreographer!" Abdul isn't going to help a serious musician's entry into the world of classical music. I don't know. Call it a hunch.

Also add in to the fact that the record execs experience some weird sort of sexual awakening while watching Paula and her dancers perform this song. Creepy. Creepy. Creepier than crazy RAs that watch you walk across campus.

After watching this video I just felt sad, you know? Here was my entire childhood embodied in a video. I probably saw this when I was 4 and didn't realize that they were all in fact grinding on each other. It makes me sad and makes me want my childhood. It also makes me want to stab myself in the eardrum. This video is shitty, but not even enough for me to really make fun of it. Sad. Sad sad sad.

Posted 4:33 PM by Cat Named Eggroll
(some comments also contributed by Wendy)

Paula Abdul: Straight Up
Rating: Corn Shit

Heh. Now this video gives me a little more to work with.

Fashion errors spotted:
1. Is that her hair, or is there a muppet attacking her head?
2. Doorknocker earings.
3. Shoulder pads. Is she still a cheerleader, or a cross-over linebacker?

I'm curious about something. I wanna know if these videos were all directed by the same person, or if she just has an obsession with black and white, because damn, she uses it enough. Oh, and what's with the flashing text? And slow-mo shots? Eeeeek. Here's something else that confuses me... in two, count them, two videos so far, I have seen string bass. Seen, but not heard. Wouldn't it be a little more honest and apropo to show people playing synthesizers, or electric bass? Cause I damn well know that there's no double bass being played in any of these songs. Finally, is it just me, or is Arsenio Hall in this video?

Posted 4:21 PM by Cat Named Eggroll
Paula Abdul: Rush Rush
Rating: Corn Shit

By all intents and purposes, this should have been a good video. Should have been, but wasn't. First of all, uhm, Keanu "Whoa!" Reeves with Paula "But I'm a Cheerleader" Abdul?!? What the feck? Now, surprisingly enough, this is one of Reeves better acting performances. And isn't that sad? Says a little something about his character maintenance skills, no? And what's with setting this in the 50's? Do 80's pop ballads and classic cars really go together that well? And then there's my problem with the spliced in shots of her face close-up and whistful undulating in way too many non-50's outfits. Hello, continuity? I counted about 5 wardrobe changes for Abdul in one stinking video. Is that really necessary? Oh, and whats with the storyline at the begining? How is it really relevent to the rest of the video? The video would have been a complete story without the first few minutes in the police station. Of course, I must say the shot of Keanu and the monkey at the begining were hilarious. So okay, concept had promise, but -10 points on execution, guys.

Posted 8:46 AM by Cat Named Eggroll

OH

MY