Posted 5:49 PM by who's that girl
HIDEO MUST NOT DIE!!!! SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!!!!!!

Posted 10:10 AM by who's that girl

Paula Abdul: Cold-Hearted
Rating: Dog Shit

I must admit that Ms. Abdul's (or, as I like to refer to her, Paula) album Forever Your Girl was one of the first albums I ever owned. I remember dancing around madly in my room to songs from that album and also from New Kids on the Block's Hangin' Tough. LAUNCH says this video is from 1988. I was four years old. The exact age you need to be to really grasp the complexity of Paula's block-rockin' beats.

So we start off with four "record executives" marching up some stairs to see Paula do her new song or something. I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention, 'cause one of the "record executives" looked like he was in that group Rockapella that used to sing the theme song for "Where in the World in Carmen Sandiego?". A little distracting. I used to love that show. *sigh*

Anyway, so these execs march upstairs and they're saying "this better be good". They sit down, and cue music and Paula and her mesh dress and fabulous dancers. So basically they ponce about for a long while. This is alarming because they are playing about on scaffolding. Now, I think that's just plain irresponsible. What if some impressionable four-year-old (like me, except stupid) saw this video and thought that it was cool to go out and pretend to hump someone on some old scaffolding??? It's a good thing Paula didn't find herself in a lawsuit here.

There are other things wrong with this video, but in the age of Timmy T these are but small quarrels. For example, Paula actually has the audacity to rap in the middle of this song. Missy Elliot she ain't. Another fundamentally distressing tidbit is the inclusion of a string quartet. I really think playing for Paula "Damnit, Jim, I'm A Choreographer!" Abdul isn't going to help a serious musician's entry into the world of classical music. I don't know. Call it a hunch.

Also add in to the fact that the record execs experience some weird sort of sexual awakening while watching Paula and her dancers perform this song. Creepy. Creepy. Creepier than crazy RAs that watch you walk across campus.

After watching this video I just felt sad, you know? Here was my entire childhood embodied in a video. I probably saw this when I was 4 and didn't realize that they were all in fact grinding on each other. It makes me sad and makes me want my childhood. It also makes me want to stab myself in the eardrum. This video is shitty, but not even enough for me to really make fun of it. Sad. Sad sad sad.